A Celebration of Loss: A Fire Anniversary by Kate McManus

The other night I had a dream: I was with a small group of people and a fire had broken out. We tried to put it out and eventually succeeded. In the group was a young man who reminded me of Tom, my son.

On waking, I realised that this year’s “fire” anniversary has caught me by surprise. The event happened on the eve of my birthday 5 years ago, so each year on my “Solar Return” I have a chance to revisit and make sense of the fire that burnt down my home and forced me into a new life, along a new path.

It’s hard to measure the losses that the fire incurred because although there were many, over time, some have metamorphosed into incredible blessings.

Let me explain the circumstances of the fire. It happened the night before my birthday, I’d just had a small party with friends and woke between three and 4 am (my birth time is 4am) to see flames emerging from the wall socket opposite my bed. I leapt out of bed and yelled to my son who was staying in the guest bedroom, having traveled 7 hours to get to my party.

We managed to get out within minutes as, impossibly, the flames overtook the house. Tom’s quick thinking to close the door between the kitchen and sitting room saved half of the house from total extinction, leaving one half water damaged and fire singed. Forensic investigation revealed that the fire was caused by an electrical fault. Later I learnt that the owner refused to have part of the house rewired due to the cost, and the fire had started in that part.

But how did I come to be living in a rented home anyway? Only some years before I’d had a home (which I shared with a partner), a very successful and lucrative management consultancy, and money in the bank.

The breakup with my partner and suicide of my stepson shortly after plummeted me into a desperate state where I needed to escape and have my own sanctuary, even if it was a rented one.

When I look at it now dispassionately with the eyes of an outsider, that period of my life seems like an impossible one which could easily overwhelm a person, leading them into a life of poverty, self pity and victimhood. But living it from the inside out I can truly say that it liberated me from defining myself by my job or possessions. (Astrologically I have the sun in the second house, my sense of self had always been linked to what I owned and money was always important to me).

The fire quite literally pushed me into situations in which I had to assert myself and speak my truth. Before that happened of course, I had to know what my truth was and that was a surprising experience.

I learnt not to be ashamed of the poverty and hardship I had been plunged into and came to admire my indomitable spirit and resilience. Paradoxically, the experience did not harden me, but made me more compassionate to the suffering of others.

Though I had little materially, it was a time of experiencing great spiritual support and abundance. I moved to a place near the bush that was itself recovering from fire. Each day and with each change of seasons, I saw the bush heal and realised that once the new growth came on, the precious parts of it now exposed, like the angelsword orchid, would never be seen again.

Spiritually, my cup overflowed as I connected to the nature spirits, angels and guides. I was blessed with having the tools to heal myself and my pets, who had survived the fire with me. I had moved my flower essences books and pendulum just hours before the fire and, though singed, they survived. My healing skills blossomed as I realised that I could channel essences during Reiki.

The guidance I received was powerful. As a birthday present to myself, I had bought a much longed for tapestry of the Angel of Light and hung it on my wall on the night of the fire. “Great! “ I told friends later “I bring the Angel of Light into my home and the next day she burns it down!” The tapestry survived the fire, singed and smoky, yet I was angry with this angel! Some months after, while meditating I became aware of the angel, the tapestry now covering an armchair. When I woke on the night of the fire, it felt like someone was pushing my shoulder getting me to wake up. The detectives investigating the fire told me that it would have been my dogs barking that woke me and I didn’t consciously register it at the time. At that time, of meditation, I saw the angel leave the tapestry, walk down the hallway, lightly place her hand on my shoulder and say “It was me who woke you that night…I came into your home to save you”

Each anniversary gives me a chance to review the meaning of the fire and measure the changes in my life. The first anniversary was shaky…I was still healing On the second anniversary I had a ball! I held a “tempting Fate” party in my new home, inviting an eclectic range of new friends, including the community choir I had joined. It was a joyous occasion of laughter and gratitude. Years three and 4 have been quieter and this year I hope to go to a Sacred Earth Sanctuary near my home.

Each year has bought challenges and each year I have grown through them. At times, as the dream the other night reminded me, I think of my parallel life without the intervention of the fire. What if we had put it out? What if it had never occurred? I know that Id be a different person, defined by others, hiding behind a mask , giving her power away and never knowing the powerful and beautiful person within.

So on this fifth anniversary I raise a glass to the fire for “Saving my Life”! I now know that every loss can contain a blessing if we let go with it and allow its unfolding.

Copyright 2007 Kate McManus, Katoomba Australia, Email Kate