Liz Cleves sent me this list she has been compiling during assertiveness courses that she occasionally leads. It is made up of ideas from course members. Learning to be assertive isn't about being aggressive. It is about living up to your potential. Each time she runs a course she gets members to add their new ideas:

General Assertiveness Techniques

• have the courage to stand by what you believe
• care about yourself. Do not neglect your own good health either physically or mentally
• never accept the idea that you have to manage alone. Find an ally
• be informed of your rights, and of people who can help you
• remember and respect your own right to say ‘no’
• regularly check your assertiveness level (check that you are practising the good habits you know about)
• think about how it feels if you respond in a submissive or aggressive way. Imagine the outcomes. Now think about the outcomes you are likely to get if you are assertive
• put positive reminders on your desk, phone, fridge that remind you of how good you are and what you can achieve
• visualise ways in which ‘negative’ situations might be turned into ‘positive’ ones
• accept and like yourself
• remember to celebrate your personal strengths
• accept that you cannot change people (although you may be able to influence them)

Plan Beforehand To Be Assertive

• check that you have your facts straight and are well informed (so that you are able to express your idea, request, plan)
• arrange the meeting time to be mutually convenient
• request that an impartial person is present (to witness event)
• state ‘time’ constraints at the outset of the meeting (this is good for getting things said)
• plan your approach to someone that you find intimidating
• prepare a list of points you want to cover beforehand
• ensure that you are able to communicate at equal heights (e.g. offer the other person a seat to match your own)
• take a deep breathe to calm yourself
• do not be tempted to take guilt trips!
• practice / rehearse what you want to say before hand (think about adapting / introducing new ideas into what you want to say)
• choose confidence boosting exercises that work for you and practice them
• write down brief notes about what you want to say
• where ever possible choose neutral ground for the meeting
• know what you want, and visualise what you want to achieve at the end of the meeting
• imagine an intimidating person sitting on the toilet (we are all humans with similar basic needs)
• remember that being overly passive doesn’t always diffuse a situation…and may inflame it
• don’t put a barrier between yourself and an exit (either metaphorically, or for real

DURING

• remind yourself of your own self worth and your right to have a voice
• take a deep breathe to calm yourself
• avoid fiddling (e.g. keep hands still)
• do not feel pressured into rushing what you have to say
• stand straight and square (good posture looks positive)
• drop your arms to your sides or into your lap (crossed arms create a barrier)
• stand your ground – don’t turn back
• during ‘diffusing situation’ it may be appropriate to say “You may be right”
• maintain good eye contact
• listen ‘actively’ (do not interrupt the other person while they are speaking)
• be prepared to take on other peoples ideas, if they are relevant
• be non-judgemental
• articulate ‘facts’ (not emotions)
• remember to include the ‘aggressor’ as part of the solution
• when appropriate accept blame that belongs with you
• don’t rush or be rushed in what you want to say
• take a positive stance (visualise yourself saying what needs to be said)
• make your needs / feelings clearly understood (do not assume that the other person knows or understands how you feel at that moment)
• say what you have to say in a way that shows that you really mean it
• at the close of the meeting, check that you have said each thing that you had in mind (What was your goal? What did you want to achieve?)

Have a look at the interview I did with Liz on life coaching and visit Liz's web site.