SIBLING RIVALRY – Seven Simple Solutions By Karen Doherty and Georgia Coleridge

For more information on Sibling Rivalry – Seven Simple Solutions by Karen Doherty and Georgia Coleridge, Bantam Press, 2010, see our website www.KarenAndGeorgia.com.

Studies show that four out of five children fight their siblings. They bicker, argue and even punch and kick their brothers and sisters. It’s no wonder that sibling rivalry is the biggest concern for most parents, or that so many find it absolutely infuriating. You may be lucky – your children might get on get on quite well. But if you worry about the bad atmosphere, feel one child is getting the worst of it, or worry that your children won’t grow up as friends, what can you do?

As parents ourselves – Karen has three girls and a boy and Georgia has three boys and a girl – we set out to find the answers. We spoke to hundreds of parents, psychologists, teachers and even doctors, who all had conflicting views. We realised there is no one right answer. We all handle sibling rivalry differently, depending on our own personalities, our children’s characters and the circumstances. But there are seven simple solutions that will make an enormous difference.

HOW DO YOU HELP YOUR CHILDREN TO GET ON BETTER AND BECOME FRIENDS?

1. Try being a Pause Parent and staying quiet

Stay calm, even when your children aren’t getting on. This can be quite a feat because most parents find their children’s squabbles exasperating and can’t help but dive into the middle of them. But if they’re arguing to get your attention and you deprive them of an audience, they may stop.
As you’ve probably noticed, the fighting is often worse when you get wound up and tense. So if it’s a minor issue, try staying quiet and doing nothing or walking out of the room to practice your deep breathing.

2. Try being a Cheerleader Parent and praising your children

Notice when your children get on well and comment on it. Mention to your older child that he’s a good big brother to the baby, and thank your younger child for sharing a biscuit with his big sister.
It’s best to praise children without comparing them. There’s no need to label one child “the trouble-make”, “the clever one”, “the smart one” or “the athletic one”. They will all go through stages and there’s room for more than one kind, clever or sporty one in each family. Your four year-old might be a fast runner, while your toddler can just make it to the end of the garden without falling over – but they each deserve praise for their achievements.

3. Try being a Tuned-In Parent and listening

Acknowledge that siblings can be intensely irritating. This often means listening while your children vent their frustrations. If they feel understood, they’re far less likely to be resentful or competitive.
It can go against all your natural instincts not to interrupt if your children are saying horrible things about each other (like how much they hate their brother or they wish the baby had never been born). But think of it like letting the steam out of a pressure cooker. Once they’ve released their unhappy, angry feelings, they’re less likely to be jealous or unkind.

4. Try being a Physical Parent and looking for physical causes

Know that when your children feel well, they’ll get on better. It’s no wonder children bicker and get nasty when they’re over tired, they’ve eaten too much junk food or they haven’t moved off the sofa in hours (or days!). A good night’s sleep, good food and a run round in the park are often all it takes to restore family peace.

5. Try being a Sorted Parent and getting one step ahead

Instead of ignoring problems, crossing your fingers and hoping they magically disappear, try thinking about what’s going wrong and working out a way to prevent the same thing happening again in the future.
Before there’s even a hint of trouble, tell everyone what’s going to happen and why. For example, you’ll find everyone is happier all around if they know how much individual time they’ll get at bedtime and what the consequences will be if they call each other names.

6. Try being a Commando Parent and being in charge

Commando Parents have natural authority, they mean what they say and follow through. If they have to send their children to their rooms, switch off the television or stop the car to ensure family harmony, they’ll do it.
If you can achieve this without nagging or shouting, your children will feel safe and secure knowing that you won’t let them get away with treating each other badly. This works much better than rampaging around, threatening punishments when your children are already at each others’ throats.

7. Try being a Laid-Back Parent and allowing them to do more

Part of helping children to get on well is allowing them to develop their own relationship. Instead of hovering over them, encourage them to spend time together. Find activities they enjoy and let them get on with them. A bank of happy shared memories – whether it’s making mud pies, dressing up or kicking a football around – won’t put an end to all sibling disagreements, but it can help a lot.

You’ll find these seven simple strategies will help you resolve all sorts of festering long-term issues and prevent jealousy, competitiveness and resentment from building up.
They will also help you immediately when your children are fighting.

Here are four simple things you can do to STOP AN ARGUMENT between siblings

Choose not to get sucked in (try Pausing)

If your children know bickering and squabbling will get your attention, they’ll carry on. But if you can block out 90% of it, they’ll often get bored and stop.
Choosing not to get sucked in is much easier said than done and there are, of course, times when you have to get involved. But you’ll be surprised to find how effective it can be not to react or overreact when they fight.

 Ask your children how to solve it (try being Laid-Back)

Instead of letting them wrangle on and on, challenge them to find a solution. “I can see this is a problem. How could you sort it out between you?” If they come up with the answer, they’re far more likely to stick to it. Even better, you don’t have to take sides and they learn how to start solving their own problems.

 Calm things down (try Tuning-In and listening)

You can diffuse a lot of arguments by giving everyone a chance to air their feelings. Let each child say what’s happened and listen sympathetically. Once you’ve heard every twist and turn, they’re likely to let it go and not feel like fighting any more.

Get tough and make them stop (try being a Commando)

When necessary, a swift, firm intervention can nip trouble in the bud. The key is to get the timing right. If you suspect that ignoring the situation isn’t going to work, then act quickly before things go irrevocably downhill.
If the situation is already fraught, there’s a lot of shouting and no-one’s listening to reason, be tough about sending them off to their rooms to cool down. You can all talk later and sort out the problem out when everyone’s calm.

For more information on Sibling Rivalry – Seven Simple Solutions by Karen Doherty and Georgia Coleridge, Bantam Press, 2010, see our website www.KarenAndGeorgia.com.
 Copyright ©Karen Doherty & Georgia Coleridge 2010.