Ways To Enhance Your Relationship by Julia Armstrong

We all love being ‘in love’, and we aspire to ‘the perfect relationship’ and that state of ‘happily ever after’. This is there for us most certainly, but the mistake that is often made is looking for a perfect person to have that relationship with!

The first way to ensure that we improve our relationship is to take full responsibility for our part. An adult relationship is always 50/50 in terms of taking responsibility for what we make up between us. If we are 100% responsible for our 50% then it means that whenever there is a difficulty or a sticking point, rather than blame the other we can think instead: ‘What did I do to make this happen?’ It is all too easy to blame the other. Resist this and your relationship will improve in that moment.

The second way is to consider the idea that within every criticism we receive from our partner, or that we give out ourselves, there is a deeper emotional need. Internalising this perspective will enhance your understanding of both yourself and your partner, especially if you talk it through together and shift the temptation to blame one another. When your partner criticises something you do, think about what the actual emotional need could be that they are expressing. When you find yourself attacking your partner for a particular behaviour or for the way they have or have not done something, take stock and think what it is that is really troubling you.

An example of this could be coming into the kitchen and finding that, once again, the dish washer has not been emptied. You may historically move to criticise - ‘you always leave the dishwasher, why do I have to do everything around here...’ Within this criticism may lie, far more than the need for the dishwasher to be emptied, the need to be appreciated, the need to be supported, maybe listened to. But once the criticism is out of your mouth it is likely that your partner has switched off and their own self esteem and feelings of being valued, loved and supported have plummeted. This is how patterns get set up in relationships that can take the joy out of day-to-day living. This practice can make your relationship a place where both people have the potential for greater intimacy and passion as well as healing and growth.

The third way to enhance your relationship is to stay present, to stay connected to yourself and to your partner. This will involve noticing ways in which you exit - perhaps through TV, work, chatting to friends on the phone, sport and so on. Make a commitment to stay in the relationship and communicate if you are planning to do something else away from it.

All these things have a place and are a valid part of anyone’s total lifestyle, but it is noticing where we exit that we can start to bring ourselves back into the relationship, and within the ongoing dialogue that connected us in the first place.

Copyright 2008 Julia Armstrong Julia Armstrong's Web Site