Cuddle Parties by Sam Cowan

Cuddle Party – brand new in the UK – has its roots in massage therapy and is a wonderful tool to promote wellbeing on a social, physical and emotional level.

It began when self-taught American massage therapist, Reid Mihalko, threw bodywork swap parties for his massage therapist buddies in Manhattan, who were too time-frazzled and cash-strapped to book in for regular bodywork for themselves. The parties became very popular and friends with a non-massage background said they’d love something similar for themselves, but felt too intimidated to do swaps with the pros. “Create something for normal people like us,” said his friends. Reid thought, well what can everyone feel comfortable doing? Cuddling. And in 2004 the first ever Cuddle Party took place in a New York apartment. Since then 10,000 people around the globe have been to Cuddle Parties.

Cuddle Party is a 3.5 hour fun and social workshop which provides a safe, structured, non-sexual environment for adults to play with communication skills, boundaries, touch and affection.

Guests change into pyjamas (of the non-sexy variety) and are guided through a “welcome circle” where they are introduced to the rules of cuddling and do various practical exercises to gently immerse them into the event. It is then freeflow party time, where guests can ask for hugs, cuddles, massages and so forth. One of the Cuddle Party rules is that “no one has to cuddle at a Cuddle Party ever” – so it’s perfectly fine to just chat or even take a long nap! Cuddle Party concludes with a puppy pile, which involves participants lying across one another lasagne style, and a closing circle.

The party takes place in an intimate workshop format, with typically 6-20 participants. The human need for touch is so universal that participants are drawn from all walks of life from the holistic to high-flying corporate worlds.

Touch As A Human Need

Touch is one of the first senses to develop inside the womb. A young baby is unable to see clearly or differentiate between sounds and will interact with the world through touch. We work out how safe and valued we are in the world by what we experience through our skins. Touching is an innate need. If you look at little kids, they are natural huggers. Experiments have shown that if infants are given insufficient touch, they will not do well – the condition is called “failure to thrive”. Research has shown that touch reduces stress in babies, helps them to gain weight, cry less and sleep better. Studies have shown that babies and children who receive healthy touch grow up to be well adjusted and capable, whereas those who are touch deprived are more likely to become sociopathic in adulthood. According to anthropologist Anthony Montagu

“touch is a basic behavioural need and the absence of it causes abnormal behaviour and physical development.”

Much of Western Culture is “touch negative” and we are socialised out of this very normal drive to touch and be touched in a safe, welcomed way. What develops next is “skin hunger”. According to Cherie Sohnen-Moe, author of The Ethics Of Touch:

“We misinterpret the need for touch as sexual desire, physical hunger or depression. We may seek out sexual relationships less out of love than out of a need for contact. Or, in the absence of someone to hug our outer skin, we hug our inner skin by over-eating.”

Interestingly, many people who have been long-term Cuddle Party attendees in the US have reported significant weight loss.

“Touch psychologically grounds us as human beings,” said Reid. “We are social animals and touch is a large part of that. There are huge psychological benefits to receiving peer to peer consensual touch – benefits which a cat or dog can’t give you.”

There is agreement among the Cuddle Party facilitator community that people do not touch each other enough in western society. “The social forces which mitigate against touch are devastating to our wellbeing,” said Len Daley – a massage therapist with 25 years’ experience - who runs Cuddle Parties in Alabama, US.

Andrew Schwartz – who qualified as a bodyworker 5 years ago and runs Cuddle Parties in Los Angeles, US said:

“When people don’t get enough touch in their lives their bodies begin to hurt. Cuddle Party is trying to bring that natural touch that children and massage students practise regularly back into our social vocabularies.”

Len believes that one of Cuddle Party’s main functions is to educate about touch, so that people can learn to separate touch from sex and get their needs met appropriately.

Benefits of attending a Cuddle Party

Socially, it’s a brilliant and innovative way to connect with new people in a fun and relaxed environment. Pyjamas are a great leveller!

Emotionally, we’re meant, as humans, to be touched and feel a sense of belonging – so it’s no surprise that participants emerge from the party with feelings of bliss, wellbeing and connectedness.

Physically: When our brain registers that we are receiving touch that is pleasurable/ relaxing/ welcomed/ safe and soothing, the parasympathetic nervous system (nicknamed the rest and digest system) kicks in. This:

• Reduces high blood pressure
• Boosts our digestive function
• Slows down breathing
• Promotes feeling of relaxation

Cuddling leads to the production of the hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin, which benefits us in the following ways:

• Creates feelings of calm and connection
• Reduces cravings
• Lowers levels of cortisol (the hormone linked to stress)
• Acts as an anti-depressant and lowers anxiety
• Lowers the risk of heart disease and lowers blood pressure
• Promotes wellbeing, social interaction and healing

Improved communication skills. Cuddle Party is also a communication workshop where guests practise setting boundaries around touch, communicating their touch needs and saying “no” powerfully. These are all empowering skills to put to use outside of the Cuddle Party environment.

The final words of this article go to a guest, who said:

“If everyone cuddled, the world would be a much better place.”

I’ll second that.

Copyright Sam Cowan. To find out more about Cuddle Party and book in to an upcoming event (or invite Sam to run an event for you), please go to www.cuddleparty.com. You can also read more about Cuddle Party in the UK at www.touchambassador.typepad.com

Sam Cowan is a certified Cuddle Party facilitator and a massage therapist, with a women-only practice in Kensington, London She is passionate about things that enhance wellbeing and improve the quality of people’s lives (she is also a qualified aromatherapist, baby massage instructor and lifecoach). Sam is the founder of the Hamsa Project – an initiative which provides free touch therapy treatments to suicide bomb survivors in Jerusalem. She studied massage and related healing arts at the Scherer Institute of Natural Healing in Santa Fe, New Mexico (rated as one of the ten best massage schools in the US) and holds a degree in psychology and literature from Manchester University. Sam has published two books – both of which are literary/ personal development anthologies which look at human experience in its widest form through the eyes of contributors from all around the world.