What Your Body Really Wants by Julia Armstrong

We appear to live in an addictive society, expecting and demanding instant gratification followed by the need for more to keep the high going, whether that be the use of substances to make life more instantly appealing – including chocolate and coffee as well as drugs and alcohol; or the thrill of ‘falling in love’, which we want to go on and on, often ending relationships and looking for the next person to ‘make us feel good’ rather than moving to a deeper level of commitment and real love, the love that asks we give rather than seek to get. We long for our next fix!

Addiction to anything is an attempt to heal a rupture, a loss of connection, seeking the good feelings you are missing through not feeling connected to the work you do, to your passion, to other people. Instead we seek to feel good through thrills and mood enhancers, sometimes even through work, throwing ourselves into it as a means of distraction rather than using it as a source of expression, keeping us trapped in a cycle that denies the real loss of connection; to yourself, to the people you love. At its most destructive our primary relationship can become with the addiction itself, with the source of our perceived pleasure - which ultimately of course is our nemesis, and will take us further and further away from who we truly are.

So what to do? Start to notice, notice your choices and your patterns. Are there any habits that you can’t seem to break? Is there anything that holds you in its grip, rather than feeling you have a choice? Most of us have one substance that seems to have power over us, whether that is the cups of coffee that punctuate our day or the cold glass of wine that we can’t image life without. I am not suggesting that we live a life of abstinence; it is more about a process of self awareness, of becoming more reflective. About taking control of our pleasures rather than allowing them to take control of us. Is the chocolate a substitute for a hug? Or because we are sad and not facing up to the source of our sadness? The loss of connection most likely first happened when we were little. Sometimes even in the happiest of upbringings, our parent may have been busy or not available when we most needed them, or perhaps there were many siblings and we didn’t get that hug at the time we most needed it. With the best intentions, our family can lead us to think that certain aspects of us were not quite right – ‘we don’t say that in our family...’, ‘we don’t do that in this family...’, and so we lost connection with parts of ourselves, aspects that were not developed. My sister and I lost aspects of ourselves for many years, playing out the roles assigned to us – she, the clever (and good!) one, me the sporty (and naughty!) one. We took many years to embrace the denied aspects within ourselves that the other sister had been appointed.

Reflection may not be considered very apt in our super-fast society, and yet it can still be found if we look for it. In martial arts, for example, practicing a move is still done very slowly, pressing the pause button and learning, ingraining the moves until they become second nature, noticing any imbalance or blocks to the movements and unraveling them at the core – and then freedom. The movements are performed swiftly, freely and completely. Total expression, total freedom.

And so it is with your own process. Press the pause button, start to pay attention to your patterns and behaviours, locate anything that is causing pain or blocking your full expression, and notice if you find yourself using substitutes to ease the pain, rather than looking to heal it. This is the starting point towards unraveling, reclaiming and expressing the fullest and truest expression of you, seeking and finding gratification in what it is that your body and your self really desires and needs.

Copyright 2008 Julia Armstrong - Relationship Therapist. Julia has worked with people for over thirty years as a relationship coach and therapist. Her skills lie specifically in enabling people to have healthy and happy relationships with themselves and others. She is an Educator for the Imago model of relationship therapy, which is a powerful tool - championed by Oprah! - in enabling people to really listen to one another and validate and value their differences. Julia's work leads others towards real connection, healing and personal growth, allowing relationship to become a place to experience living with more joy and creativity. She is currently running workshops in Brighton and Eastbourne – please see her website for details. www.juliaarmstrong.com